I was going to do another one tonight but I’m tired, and J’la is running around. I have to get her to sleep at night. Jeffery’s mom made a suggestion that I’m going to try. She’s making me look old!!! Every time I mention I have a daughter people look at me like ” really?! “. This older man said tonight ” aww you’re a young mom ” I’m like 😒 I’m about to be 31! 

I’ll take the compliment though lol.

Today was a weird day. I’ve been experiencing P.M.S after everything is over. It’s weird. Usually during that particular week, I hate my life. My life just isn’t enough during that particular week, which I feel guilty for…… Jeffery ❤️, the boys, Ellen’s mom, Miranda’s mom, Yola’s mom.. so many ppl in the last 2 years.. I have life. 

There’s so much that needs to be done. I had to text my friend Ellen to get my life. I’m ashamed to admit it, but I will because I can’t front… this is the first job I got benefits. I have no clue about what insurance to pick, how much to put in a 401k, none of that. Thank God, I had a man about his business because how in the hell am I surviving over here?!? She helped me with that today. I got into a car accident 2 weeks ago and I don’t know what to do with that either. I’ve just been waiting. I am a bad driver but it wasn’t my fault & they agreed. They are paying for it.

Work is eh… 

on a postive note I’m off Friday. Hopefully me and Kal go to the Danbury mall. I’ve never been & I love to shop, even window shopping! I get paid on Friday but I’m on a serious budget. Christmas, birthdays, bills… but I hate online shopping!!! I like to see what I’m buying, try it on, leave with the item especially when the money came out of my account lol. Should be fun!

Well, j’la is too quiet. It usually means she’s tearing something up 🙄


Good night.

Morning Thoughts…

If it’s not one thing it’s the other….

Life, right?

So I have to prove myself that I can plan this party the way I want it, in 2 weeks. . . . But Pam – I – Am & I, got it under control I think.

Besides, there’s a huge cloud over our heads anyway. Even if I was to plan the most amazing party it would be at the worst time. I honestly think that’s why she’s such a happy baby. Happy people do not spend to much time focusing on things they don’t have, they aren’t pessimistic or negative, they don’t notice or don’t care to notice the bad things going on around them. They work with what the have, they count their blessings, negative situations are always a positive lesson, and I think j’la is going to be that. Something is always wrong or tensed when I’m “trying” to plan for this girl lol. I’m usually like ” welp, I’m canceling ” it’s the easy way out of not having to deal with the situation at hand…. I feel like it takes away from her…us… Because it’s not only her 1st of everything, it’s my first of everything too. It’s her 1st bday, it’s my 1st time giving a 1st bday… Does that make sense? I’m not canceling though…….

& as if feeling like you’re not working up to you’re potential isn’t enough, you got to hear it too…… I’m not saying this in a victim kind of way. It’s not like “how dare you say that to me?” It’s more like “yeah…….. I know”, And for me I always throw in that but….. There’s no buts, when you’re working with someone else to build a foundation. I’ve been trying to say that though… In a ” I am woman, hear me roar ” type way, but yes I know it’s at least 45-55 effort in a relationship. It’s something I’ve been struggling with for a while. I just don’t know where to start!! I got my answer today though…. Who cares? It’s not about you….

That scares me. That bothers me. Does this mean I’m going to spend the rest of my life doing what I have to do, instead of what I want to do? Will I completely loose myself? Will I be unhappy? Would I regret my life in 10 years? Will I yearn for a re-do so much to the point I’m bitter, angry, and resent other ppl, that are everything to me?!…….

Because women tend to do that.

A recap ….

I’m going to regret this decision… Well 2 decisions because it’s 3:40 am and I’m eating BBQ chicken with rice 😒. Secondly, I’ve been up since 8:30 yesterday morning. I’m very tired, but I can’t sleep. I’m sure J’la is going to wake up soon and I work 11 to 8:30….. So…. I know I’m going to be dragging today. I can’t sleep.
I just got done watching some of my favorite MUA’s videos…… and I did join a MUA community a little earlier today. I’m not ready for tutorials yet, because I have to buy a computer 😒…😑, but taking pictures and telling people what products I use is something I can do. It’s funny because I’ve been looking for a new social network to join. I needed to find more people interested in the things I’m interested in. So that was great to find, because I need new friends. Lol…. It’s over the internet but still lol.

I also went to a home buyers class this week with Jeff. It was very helpful. Next year I will be in a home that we will own. It’s exciting and scary at the same time. I’m realizing I have commitment issues. Lol. I’m realizing that i do not put myself in permanent situations on purpose! I’m getting old though it’s time to think of the bigger picture.
What else?…. Coldwater creek is going out of business. Did I tell y’all that already? Yeah well…. I’m going to work unemployed everyday lolol! It’s sad, because I love those women! We a have to split up now. It’s stressful, because I have to find a job. I don’t want a job, I want a career. I need something that’s long term, something that I can climb the latter for, something with benefits…… -deep sigh- I’m tired of thinking about it. I did pray for god to give me a sign if I should stay at Coldwater creek & he shut the whole place down so….. I’m
sure he has a plan for me.

& J’la is screaming 😑
Good night… Well morning 😊

Don’t let the devil ride !

I don’t know if the devil is working, or if Jesus is working. I just know somebody is working.
I haven’t written a blog in awhile because my mind & my emotions are everywhere. I’ve been searching for a sign, I need a trip to clear my mind. It has just been one of those when it rains; it pours moments. I can’t pretend that it’s not bothering me anymore because my hair is soaking wet 😒 it’s kind of obvious.

What’s going on? Everything & nothing. That’s the best way I can say it. I’m making a big deal out of the little things. I got big deals & I got little things. No matter what the issue is I realize it’s me. It made me feel a lot better when my co worker said ” you’ve just had a baby! You’re still recovering, just because you feel fine physically doesn’t change the fact that you still have to recover mentally, & emotionally. You’re life has completely changed, not to mention your hormones…… It’s ok to say you’re exhausted. It’s ok to want a break. It’s ok to stay home from work. It’s ok to want to spend time with friends. It’s ok! ” I’ve been so into my feelings that I have ruined a few of my own days. I’m kicking myself for sabotaging some of my own plans. I try to figure out things on my own when I have support. It’s an independence thing. I’m stubborn. I’m hard headed. If I’m putting this much pressure on myself, just imagine what I’m un-intentionally doing to my bf. ” ….. Haven’t felt like myself since the baby, are we even going to make it?…”
& he works hard. So to hurt his feelings in any way even though I don’t mean too is ” taking it a little to far ”

I’ve been asking God to show me a sign, to guide me in the right direction, to move a mountain, & he could be doing just that. Everything that I don’t like that’s happening right now could be a blessing, but I’m taking it the wrong way. I keep rebuking satan because I feel like he’s behind it all 😒….
I’m like is this karma ? I know I haven’t done wrong to anyone for 3 years. Lol. I really haven’t.

I don’t know I told y’all I was all over the place! I do know that trouble don’t last always. Everything happens for a reason. God doesn’t put more on us more than we can handle, & the devil is a liar!

My cousin told me to get the books ‘ A Mother That Prays ‘ & ‘ A Wife That Prays ‘ she said the devil always attacks your family, because that’s what you love! I’m usually a very positive, happy person. So the feeling of sadness & insecurity has to go. It’s a waste of feelings lol.

I know better.

Just a thought

I’m on my way to Jeff’s football practice, thinking about prom make up looks, and baby sandals, and baby head bands. I’m pretty crafty and there are a lot of little girls being born.
Friends of mine brought their precious gift into the world today! I’m so excited for them. They are good people. Good people deserve good things. I definitely think that 2014 is the year of the lovers. If you’re in love show it off and if you’re not it’s ok as long as you’re opened to finding it our letting it find you. It’s the years of the lovers!! Lol.

I made J’la some barefoot sandals. Aren’t they cute! I was bored lol


Baby hogging

So I had a good day, and night. I went to Albany and hung out with Vanessa, Miranda, and Tamara. I felt so good to be out. I did get home before 1:30. Jeff has J’la. I want to grab her, but I don’t want Jeff thinking I’m taking over or that I don’t think he can do it. I don’t know if I’m a baby hog. Jeff works a lot, and I actually care if he has enough sleep. He’s the type of dude that will work 20 hrs, and stay up for the other four hrs to make up for the time with me and/or the girls. He really does to much. I really do think I’m trying to help him out. Plus, the night shift has been mine since day one. I’m making excuses…… I just miss her, and I want her lol.
I could use this sleep though. I will fall asleep for the night, and then Jeff will tell me how he’s so tired tomorrow 😒.

I just fell asleep …. Good night.

He told me so.

I went to work today -whispers- & I hated every moment of it lol. I think what makes it even worst (besides that I got them all happy & did all the paper work to come back) is that I have to act like I like it just so I don’t hear Jeffery’s mouth because he told me NOT to do it 😂. It actually probably makes me hate it more because as soon as I say something bad about that place he’s going to give me the “I told you so” & I’m a woman with pride!

First let me say I was.. I am… TIRED! I turned my tv off at 3:30am and J’la started crying right after 😒. She woke up at 6:30, and then 8:30 which was no big deal because I had to get up anyway. Jeffery came home at 8:30 from his overnight & I had to work at 10. I was even to tired to have a stank attitude. Secondly, they CHANGED everything!! The staff, the way they run things, the clothes went back to what it was when I first started ew. Coldwater Creek, for those of you who don’t know is like……… Gucci for older women. The clothes started to get younger but it went back to old lady .com. It was hideous! And a new staff? And there are no more perks to working there. I use to get $100 gift cards all the time now I’m not even allowed too…… No. Lol I can’t stay there under those conditions. I hate to sound all Mariah Carey-ish but…

So now what?!
Jeff’s argument is…. I’m willing to hold you down until you find the right thing for you. Which he does hold me down. He wants to stay home until it’s worth leaving the baby. My argument is that home 24/7 ?! No. I need grown up conversations, like I have no one to do play dates with CWC is conversation & a little money. I really don’t want to be that girl that’s like babe, I need my nails done. Babe, I want my hair done. Babe, these shoes though!…. 😒 no. I’m not her lol.

I’m hard headed. I just might need to be her for a second, and invest in what I’m suppose to be doing. I refuse to do the cna work, not knocking it…. It’s just not for me……….

Anyone got a sewing machine I can have? Lol

It’s just emotions….

I’m coming back from a date, and the music is slow love music. It’s not love making music, it’s love music. I am secretly in my emotions. . . .

My friend just celebrated her 1 year wedding anniversary. I was in the wedding so I dealt with the stress and the beautiful day. It was like a movie everything that could go wrong did, but when the day came it was perfect. Is it weird to say that my friend’s wedding changed my perspective in a big way? I was a bridesmaid that didn’t know any of the other bridesmaids like that. My ex (who I saw “life” with and spent 6 long toxic years with) was also in the wedding, and dating another bridesmaid. Jeff wasn’t in town, and we were in a fight at the time. I just moved into my apartment so money was an issue. It was stressful, and I admit a little hurtful. It took a lot to not quit and be like I’m sorry but I can’t do this. It wasn’t about me. I’m glad I swallowed my pride, I’m glad I was there for my friend like I was suppose to be, and I’m glad I got to see exactly what I deserved. Happiness. Esther was beautiful, loved, in love, and happy. While everyone was living her happiness for the day with no intentions to feel that for themselves afterwards, I was re-evaluating my life.
I deserved it too.
(To make it very clear I wasn’t on the sideline hating lol)
I don’t like talking in front of people but I gave a heartfelt speech to her letting her know that being in love is the right thing and being with one person is what you’re suppose to do!
We all should take ourselves seriously enough to NOT give ourselves away to anyone who won’t take us serious.
I don’t know about anyone else in that room but I knew from that day on I wasn’t going to allow anyone put anymore mileage on me. I want forever, I want a ring, I want a baby, I want genuine people to celebrate my happy moments with………………………

And I finally found it.

I have someone who really hasn’t slept in 2 days because he’s working to provide for me… Us… take me out and I didn’t have to beg him too. I didn’t even have to ask him. I don’t have to compete with all of kingston, I don’t have to fight all of kingston to prove my love, I’m not crying all the time,
Not wishing and hoping all the time, I’m not sad… He takes me seriously.

I deserve it.